Today we visited a new church. We brought Blake to the nursery area to see if he wanted to stay and play with the other kids. He was torn between wanting to play with toys, but not wanting to leave mommy. He was in a totally new place with a bunch of strangers, so of course he decided he didn’t want to leave my side. I knew that would be the outcome, but we still went through the process of taking him there, encouraging him, and giving him the option to stay.
Blake sat through all of worship, and the beginning of the sermon before he started exclaiming “Yeah! Done!” after every pause the pastor would make. I took him out into the hallway where there was a ramp, a railing, and sets of stairs. Every two-year-old boys dream! He quietly ran up and down the ramp, climbed the stairs, and swung on the railing.
While we were out there, a girl who looked half my age came over and politely asked why he wasn’t in the nursery. I commented that he doesn’t like to leave me, so we were just hanging out here. She then felt the need to let me know that she also has a two-year-old and her friends told her it was best to just put him in the nursery and let him cry until he got used to being there. It only took a few times, but now he doesn’t really cry anymore. So I should do that.
I smiled, told her that we had already been through this once with his sister, and since this was our first time being here, he wasn’t quite comfortable in a new place. I genuinely hope I didn’t say it rudely, but this has been an issue since Emma was a baby.
When Emma was born, she was a great baby and would just sleep through church. As she got older, she got busier. I felt like people were watching and judging at every tiny sound she made during the service. It also got harder to pay attention as I was seeing to her needs the entire time, and worried over every tiny noise she made. So, we decided to give the nursery a try. The first few times we went, I stayed with her so she could adjust to the new place and new people. Then we attempted to leave her on her own one Sunday. I gave the nursery worker precise instructions that if she cried at all, please call our number so we could come get her. Emma was a strange child. She almost never cried, so when she did, I knew something was absolutely not okay.
I sat in church a bit anxious about how she was doing, but my number hadn’t been called, so I assumed all was well. About fifteen minutes later, I saw my number flash on the screen against the wall. I went to check on Emma, and she was a wreck. She had started crying as soon as we left her and it took her almost a half an hour to calm down. I held her in my arms comforting her and she just kept shuddering in silent sobs.
I had countless people telling me the best thing to do for her was to leave her and let her get over it. She would cry, but she would be fine. Holding my terrified child, I knew I would not do that to her again. Thankfully, Henry completely agreed with me.
Just after Emma turned two, we found ourselves in a new church. This church did Sunday school in the morning and then families sat together during the service. I met with her Sunday school teacher and found that she didn’t mind if I stayed in class with Emma. In fact, she had done the exact same thing until her children were comfortable staying by themselves. Emma’s teacher was amazing and as Emma grew to love her, she was eventually fine with me leaving her in class alone. No tears were needed, just time, patience, and commitment.
Now, let me be completely forthright… We do let our kids cry. We did a gentle version of cry-it-out when we taught them how to sleep. But to me, there is a huge difference between crying because “I’m not thrilled that I have to take a nap right now”, and crying because you are terrified of your surroundings and the people caring for you.
I will continue to do what I know is best for my children. I will continue to try and hold my tongue when other people give their “expert” advice. But most importantly, I will continue to be a voice encouraging other mom’s who are in this same spot.
It’s okay to not let them cry. It’s okay to stay with them or keep them with you. But most importantly, it’s okay to be different in your parenting as long as it’s what’s best for your family.
Sailing With A Manatee 